Wednesday, April 30, 2014

up/down

Down: 
a. I have flu-like symptoms due to Herzheimer's reaction and, well, you know how the flu is. This plus everything else is a three layer cake of lethal that has knocked me flat out.
b. All areas that had almost finished healing (shoulders, back, chest, abdomen, thighs, back of R knee, arms, wrists, hands) from eczema are either back to their original state or worse.
c. A third fungi has apparently taken over my system.
(Uncertain why, but the theory is that when we got rid of the others this one, dormant in tissue, decided to 'move in'.
hlkjsafdsafhlkj. ! ! ! Disgusting x a billion.)
d. I am fully cationic, i.e. my system is extremely acidic.
I say "fully" cationic, because February testing revealed my system was cationic/anionic...some parts of were too acidic while others were too alkaline. Current ph is 5.8 (ideal body ph is slightly alkaline, at ~7.4 ph).
e. Sadly, we had to delay our departure date. No CA vacation for us, at least this time around. (Preview of an "Up" --> but we are still going to be there for the major family events, which is fantastic).

Up: 
a. As of yesterday (Tuesday), we have the results from one of the tests (not the blood tests, but still). Incredibly glad to have them!
b. Part of the results --> New diet to alkalize my system...and I like it way better, even though it is just as restrictive in many ways. Things like raw milk and raspberries are okay to eat now, even though old favorites like maple syrup, eggs (just kidding! This is apparently [thankfully!] temporary. In a month I can eat eggs! They are an acidifying food, but no where near as bad as beef, so just gotta wait until I am not so cationic, and then we will likely be able to reintroduce), and beef are off the table. :)
c. I am consistently able to open my eyes without difficulty, despite the fact that they are still swollen. This is a tremendous relief.
d. The eczema no longer impedes my ability to eat.
e. Today I did a lot of standing and walking around as mom and I did some errands to prepare for this new diet...and I am pooped but not crashing, as has been the pattern in the past. SO happy about this.
f. Found a clinic that does pre-warming / has the proper incubator so the final blood test (for this first round of testing) can be completed. Whoop!
g. My amazing mom blessed me by hanging out with me and discovering MOM's Organic Market with me when I wasn't permitted to take the blood test that was scheduled for today. I loved spending time with her. Cannot thank you enough, Mom. (You should all find good reasons to visit her, by the way. She is going to make a strawberry-rhubarb pie...and you know about my mother's magical abilities with pie).
h. Despite having to cancel our CA vacation, I'm not anxious or depressed. We're still going out for Sarah's graduation, just not when we hoped we would. It's out of our control, so it is both practical and of strategic interest to be at peace...but beyond that, I just am at peace.

While it is still true nothing sounds better than a few solid days with beautiful surroundings, with no one but my handsome husband and nothing to interfere in our plans... it's not my hope or source of joy. Are you rolling your eyeballs? Before you lift a scoffing eyebrow, realize that I think the day has been fancy if I go to the grocery store! Easter weekend has been the only weekend in ages that wasn't spent doing damage control for a new mystery surge as we watched all of our progress disappear. Just the idea of a vacation with your most treasured friend can easily become an idol when you are a shut-in. In retrospect, it had become that for me for a brief amount of time. Praise the Lord for His goodness and generous mercy in both shaking me free of that idol and for giving me peace when the opportunity for precious time with Tom was taken away.

For those of you who understand why this would be saddening, don't feel bad for me. I actually feel worse for Tom. I tried to convince him to go on without me so he could spend time with family and friends but, of course, he would have none of it, in the kindest way possible. He has had made so many sacrifices already. I hoped this would not be one of them. Thinking about all of the good (and just plain normal) things he has given up or missed---cheerfully, with love, for the glory of God, literally without uttering a single complaint---because of me makes my heart ache. (Lord, please grant Tom the desires of his heart, for Your name's sake). However, we strongly doubt that my condition is permanent, and while disappointing and a little sad, there will be other trips and opportunities...hey, while our time in CA will be a rushed and busy few days, they will be full of dear-ones. I can't wait to be spending time with our family! Eeep! <--(utilizing a non-word to express my intense level of excited anticipation! And excitement! Because I am excited. Did I mention I am excited about seeing our family??! Bah!)

Oh, and it will be warm. Poo on you, rainy Virginia.


Monday, April 28, 2014

hang loose




1. Many things (well, sinful actions) arguably stem from issues of control*. The range is great; from anger to passive aggressiveness, for example. Personally, I generally internalize it and become an extremely stressed and stressful person, leading to other things (e.g. subdued panic, being a terrible wife/sister/daughter, and eczema flare-ups, haha). Through this whole saga, especially as the past three days have been terrifyingly bad, I have been realizing all of the areas over which I have consciously and subconsciously tried to exert control (the list is becoming impossibly long). It is God's grace that has revealed this to me through these distressing circumstances and, to be honest, I am rejoicing in it. I'm not a fan of the circumstances by any stretch, but I am so glad that God is graciously, mercifully, and lovingly sanctifying me! A gift of mercy.

2. I'm in pretty terrible shape. Not going to going to make it long but... it's gnarly. And gross. And miserable. And painful. But I'm relaxed (whatwhat?!). We might have to delay our trip to CA and cancel our vacation but... I'm okay. Ask me again if we actually have to do those things, but for now, I'm relaxed and peaceful. Praise the Lord for His kindness in this. And please petition Him for my healing, that He may be glorified through my physical wholeness.


*"Arguably" used to make room for other theories / beliefs, including pride, nature v nuture, greed, being a first born, selfishness, 'because I love you', and IBS.

rely not on ourselves

For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. (2 Corinthians 1:5-11 ESV)


Saturday, April 26, 2014

downhill

Can't really move; can only open right eye a little; swollen, oozing, extreme pain, etc. Worst day in a while. No idea why. Prayers would be magnificent. 

Friday, April 25, 2014

flopsy

Becca sent me this and it is a brilliant summary of how I feel all the time. I showed it to my siblings today and we all determined it was precious. So maybe I really just feel precious and not pooped. Or precious AND pooped. (Mostly just pooped). At any rate, thanks, Becca!

"does that sound okay, ma'am?"

All of the recent medical bills have added up. Insurance is chipping in on those bloody blood tests, but did you know that they cost ~5k?! For the 21 vials of my blood they took on Friday?! That's over $220 per vial! Oi.

Last year I was teed by a truck, and by God's grace I only required some intense but brief chiropractic care. The fellow's insurance offered to pay the medical expenses, but it seemed that they had dropped the ball until... I received a call from them (completely unexpectedly) to inform me that they would like to send a check for the chiropractic care and would it be fine if they added an additional $1,000 for pain and suffering? (The cheeker was definitely fishing for a reaction). I played it cool, because that's what I do, but Tom surmised from all the faces I was making at him that something was up.

We had prayed for the chiropractic bills to be paid in the past...but hadn't thought about it recently, assuming it would never happen. It has been over a year, after all. To receive not just the answer to that prayer, but the blessing of an unexpected thousand dollars... Wow. We are quite thankful...and quite surprised. An answer to prayer that has definitely caught us off guard. 



steady as she goes

The title was originally "chug chug", inspired by the steadiness of a train, but then I realized that wasn't what it would convey to everyone else. Shhhaved it! 

Tl;dr: 
Spiritually: Psalm 27:13 --> Psalm 34. 

Health: ebbs and flows; sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm flat-out and can't get out of bed most of the day. It's like sticking your hand in the Harry Potter jelly jean mix; you could get watermelon or earwax or candy-floss or vomit -- whee, what an adventure. 


_____________________________________________________________

As I mentioned before, Sat-Thursday of last week were horrendous... then Friday-Wednesday (well, I am stretching this a little, as Wednesday was terrible until 4pm, buuut) were fantastic, which was amazing. We loved it. I loved it. It was incredible to be able to attend the Easter service without having to sit down during the singing. We were kind of stunned (pleasantly, of course). 

Today (Thursday), is bad. My face and neck have worsened by a good bit. My energy levels are eh, and yes, they always, always are, but you feel it so much more when the rest of you is blerp. AND, the microbiologist who is processing the test I sent in a wee bit ago still hasn't been able to get to it... which isn't a big deal, but a smidge disappointing nonetheless, since it was supposed to be done last Friday. Oh well! Hopefully tomorrow it will be finished. : ) 

I have mentioned that this whole process has revealed my desire for control, and many have been sweetly praying with us that I would be given the grace to relinquish that. It creates endless anxiety (bearing nothing but bitter fruit). 

Truly, that prayer has been answered. Today was proof of that, at least to me. After such a crazy long streak of excellent days (SIX days! SIX!) it was disappointing to be greeted by such a huge resurgence when I awoke. But, that was it; I was disappointed, but not discouraged, and I surprisingly didn't feel any anxiety (besides that one time I applied oregano oil on my oozing face*... desperate times, desperate measures, desperately dumb #ProverbsByChloe). 

All that to say... grace has been poured out abundantly for me. Prayers have been answered so generously. I am amazed by God's goodness in providing those good days and by shoring me up with His perfect peace when they ended. To say that I am comforted and amazed is an understatement. If I was to be completely transparent, I would have to admit that the mere thought of God's grace during these past months makes me teary. He has provided us with all that we needed. Praise be to the God of our salvation, who works wonders and is holy and just and righteous in all things! 

While the face is oozing eczema, let the heart ooze with joy. #ProverbsByChloe 

#AndNoOneWasAbleToMakeEyeContactWithHerAgain



*For the record, after 20 minutes of terrifying pain, it was all good! And my face was better for it. Or at least that's what I decided. #DecisionsByChloe